I was going to title this ‘Malcolm Update’, but I think ‘Mom Update’ is probably more appropriate. I have been growing so much, perhaps even rivalling Malcolm. Malcolm has changed and shaped Jordan and I, and we are quickly realizing how much he responds to the way we do things too. Becoming a mother has been a journey much like I expected, but it is still a challenge to learn to become a parent through immersion.
Sometimes I find myself feeling bitter about my lack of sleep until I remember that this is what I signed up for. I signed up for sleepless nights, headaches, crying babies, and an aching back from rocking little ones to sleep. I signed up for a sink full of dishes, a messy house, stepping on toys, and a rumble in my belly as I feed a hungry babe. I signed up for stinky diapers, getting spit up on, loads (and loads) of laundry, and bedsheets with all sorts of bodily fluids spilt (just small amounts – don’t need to throw them in the wash quite yet…).
Mom life is far from glamorous, but it’s great. Sometimes I think I’m crazy. I knew motherhood came with all these things, but I wanted it anyway. Maybe there is some sort of hormone that makes us forget all these difficult things and desire to become mothers, otherwise the human population would die out. There must be! Motherhood is such a crazy thing to do to yourself, but it’s also so worth it in a way I can’t even describe.
Malcolm is an incredible boy, and it’s so crazy to watch him grow and discover the world. He recently showed us that he can roll over, and is beginning to use his movement to get to the things he wants. It’s so neat to watch him figure out that one day he will be able to do things for himself. In some ways it might be bittersweet for both of us. He is constantly throwing his toys off the high chair tray, seeing how quickly he can cause me to abandon preparing dinner and rescue his rattle and Zips the bee. We have recently started feeding him food, and it’s been fun to see his eagerness to try eating and to watch him discover new flavours. He makes some hilarious faces!He has grown so much physically, but I don’t always notice it until I look back at older photos. In the first 4 months of his life he changed so much. He continues to grow into a little person and I enjoy watching his personality come out.
Sometimes I find myself longing to be self focused again. I’m struggling with bitterness about the transition I’m in. Sometimes in my own passive-aggressive way I bend over backwards so that others will notice how much I am neglecting myself. In these moments, instead of finding the comfort from others that I had desired, I’m finding peace and strength in myself. I’ve tried to break myself, but I found I was much stronger than I thought.
This brings me back to realize the selfishness of of my self neglect. I was missing out on the joy of serving my family because I wanted things to be about me again. They aren’t. They might never be. But that’s okay. It’s not meant to be that way anymore. I realize that my body is already adapting to my new role. My heart sometimes falters, but it follows close behind. Becoming a mother is an interesting and magical thing.
This family photo may be a bit out of focus, but I treasure it anyway. Life isn’t perfect. People aren’t perfect. But the imperfections are a beautiful and important part. I may not have the most photogenic life, but it’s completely perfect in my eyes. Mom life might not be as glamorous as it appears on Instagram, but it’s worth documenting. I hope to continue to share my life with you here.
You can read more about Malcolm and see his cute little face here.